tech take-up and the dating curve

For the first two months after my mom upgraded her cell phone she would hang up on me every time I called. It wasn't that she didn't want to talk to me, it was that she couldn't figure out how her new phone worked. I always got an instant call back. Who can really blame her for not wanting to invest any energy into her phone. She can dial, and send me photos of dogs...and that's what's important.

But what happens when 50 and 60 somethings try out a new online dating site? I'm making an assumption here that the internet dating learning curve might be something like the cell phone learning curve for some older adults. It's a new way of communicating that hasn't always existed. Many dating websites are set up to be intuitive and facilitate quick communication via IM, text or internal email. Resorting to a good old fashioned phone call is not usually an option. Does this shake the boomers, or is everyone just adjusting?

Here are a few real life stories from two lovely ladies I know.

Case Study one: relative of friend, "Betty," 50s
Betty meets a nice man on Match.com. They start to exchange Match.com messages about having dinner together and Betty provides her phone number. "Bill" confirms by email that he would love to have dinner and waits for Betty's email about where. Meanwhile, Betty starts cooking dinner, gets all gussied up and waits for a phone call. They never meet.

Case Study two: relative of friend, "Anne," 60s
Anne signs up on eHarmony and learns how to search the profiles. She quickly gets confused by the prescripted stages of communication that eHarmony forces you through. After sending multiple stock messages with no replies, she abandons ship and goes on a date with a neighbor she met while walking her dogs. "How could I communicate anything personal about myself using that thing," she complained.

But there are success stories too, of course.

I regularly orchestrate multi-friend events entirely over text and things work out fine. I even have a friend who has never once talked to her boyfriend on the phone, only via text. But there is a learning curve for figuring out how to communicate on a dating site, via IM or text message (let alone figure out how to send and receive these messages). Are these skills becoming necessary for older single adults?

And this goes for all ages, but it seems that calling your date has become scarier now that you can send a text or email.

Search without belonging - Copenda

I just saw this on one of my favorite blogs, the Online Dating Insider. Copenda allows you to search multiple dating and social sites at the same time. Then you can click over to the interesting profiles on its native site. Pretty cool.

So far the site has indexed over one million profiles. You can search Myspace, Facebook, hi5, Friendster, Match.com and plentyofish. It's really surprising, as the Insider notes, that these sites would open up their networks to a third party. But the bottom line still remains, if you find someone you like, you need to sign up with the original service to actually message them.

It will be interesting to see what methods evolve for being "seen" or being ranked high on the Copenda search results. It's unclear at this point how one gets to the top of the barrel, aside from geographical proximity. Does updating your Match.com profile frequently help here? I dunno.

Also, the people you come up with on Myspace for example, might not be looking for dates. So, the sifting you may need to do is potentially more involved if you're looking for dating specifically.

----
In other news, Jennifer Garner didn't get any sex education, and she's not the only one.

OKcupid - quiz mania

So I randomly took an OKCupid quiz the other day. And after that I took another and another -- very addicting. The cool part is that after you take one, you can see other people who have taken them as well, their profiles on OKCupid, etc. So here it is in all it's glory, The Dating Personality Test.

The result you ask? I'm The Bachelor. The Deliberate Gentle Sex Master (DGSM). My exact dating opposite is appropriately "The Manchild," of the Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLD).

Some sample questions include:
"Would you rather get caught masturbating by your mother or your father?"
OR
"You're in a serious, loving relationship, and your mate asks for a threesome. You are more...
Offended?
Relieved?

There is also a "The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test." I'm a pure nerd. See isn't this fun?

Online Dating Insider provides a closer look at the quiz algorithm and question asking philosophy, which yes you guessed it, is much different from eHarmony's. OkCupid is also developing a new app for Facebook which will no doubt multiply their marketing potential.

Manhunt places official badges on health profiles

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Gov't attack on adult social networking freedoms!

The following is a partial repost from the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force:

The federal government is proposing regulations that would effectively kill adult social-networking sites. This is being done under the guise of fighting child pornography. You have until September 10 to object to these regulations. It’s easy to do and essential. A sample e-mail comment is at the bottom of this page. Please forward this information to your friends!
What’s the Deal?

The Department of Justice is proposing regulations to implement a federal law designed to combat child pornography, known as Section 2257. The law was first enacted in 1998 and was amended in 2006 and significantly expanded to include regulation of the Internet.

While many of the regulations pertain to companies that produce adult entertainment magazines and videos (and are extremely burdensome), they would also affect anyone who uses an adult social-networking site. Here’s how:

* The regulations would require the people running a site to get and maintain personal information from every user (that means you) who posts a “sexually explicit” photo, including your photo ID (driver’s license, passport, or military ID).
* The regulations would allow the Attorney General to conduct warrantless searches at will on the sites’ records, including your personal information.
* There are few safeguards over what the FBI can do with the information it obtains.
* If a site operator fails to comply with the regulations, he or she would face a prison sentence of up to 5 years.
* For more detailed information on Sec. 2257, go to the task force fact sheet.

Obviously, none of this has anything to do with child pornography. Instead, it is a blatant attempt to end the ability of consenting adults to use adult social-networking sites to meet other people for sex. Obviously, if these regulations go into effect, they will kill this industry.
What You Can Do

The Department of Justice has published these proposed regulations and the public has until September 10 to comment on them.

We need to generate thousands of comments objecting to the proposed regulations – and it’s easy to do via e-mail. Just follow the instructions below...
____________________

A sample letter addressed to the U.S. Department of Justice is provided on the bottom of this link. The fact that the Justice Dept. can't handle increasing the prison population will hopefully save us from this grand save-the-children idea. Jeeez, what next? You can always join Playboy's new social networking site (college only) that surprisingly shows little skin.

Massmen vlogger shows some skin

Daniel, a Massmen blogger known for his chronicle of non-monogamy struggles and recovery from long distance hell, is taking a step by using video blogging for the first time. Meet Victor and hear a little about their trip to Montreal in this first episode:


Nico the Great, another blogger of ours, recently sero-converted. Lately he has been challenged by people with age assumptions and has been frustrated with guys' takes on online status disclosure.
Read: Age is deceiving? and Newbie HIV+ vs. Seasoned HIV+.

CheckTonight.com - hookup insurance?

CheckTonight.com is hooking up with online dating sites to provide negative test result verification. Well, so far, the list of participating sites isn't that impressive (Atomicmen being the biggest). While the move to do this among dating sites is good, there are some definite issues. It is also a bit disappointing that the group taking this plunge seems to vilify, if only slightly, anyone who may already be positive, with the prominent text: "Show You Tested Negative for HIV and Optionally Other STDs." It also offers zero mention of window periods.

Here's what signing up was like for me:
1. First join a lesser known hookup site (ha!)
2. Register at CheckTonight.com. (which includes downloading and faxing a HIPAA form).
3. Find a suitable place to get tested (you can use their search tool, or see a private doc).
4. If you choose one of the Labcorp testing sites, pick which tests you want. Here's the kicker for the insurance-less:
Full panel: HIV, herpes, Hepc, chlamydia, gonnorhea, syphilis $369!!Or you can choose specific ones. Syphilis alone is the cheapest at $32, chlamydia/gonorrhea is $174. And so on...
5. Then sign another HIPAA form releasing CheckTonight.com to receive your test results. (It's okay for minors to use the service, but an adult is supposed to sign the form, electronically though).
6. Enter credit card info, billing address.
7. I didn't go any further...but you get the point. A lot of steps.

Here's the list of steps in their words.

So what is promised after your test results are faxed back to CheckTonight.com?
1. Positive results are not kept or posted anywhere. A nice list of resources are given.
2. Negative results receive a badge (including test date) that can be posted on a very select list of dating sites, or a social networking site that accepts html (I'm assuming that it is a basic html badge).


So, my two cents are:
Can the badges be stolen, doctored and repasted elsewhere?
Why not encourage HIV+ folks to test for STDs?

I would love to hear comments about this from readers...

Update: Atomicmen has gone out on a limb to try something that some of us in public health have been asking for for a long time. Checktonight is imperfect, but Atomicmen's attitude and willingness to improve is on target:

"...CheckTonight ... is willing to work with Atomicmen on making the site more friendly so any feedback is welcome. I appreciate all feedback and knowledge and would encourage anyone to help in the education of those who are not understanding of anyones "fears", but that door swings both ways. I think that direct reaction to something with out investigation can also be fear based and should allow for the passing back and forth of ideas to make sites like CheckTonight more approachable to those who seem offended. Andrew at CheckTonight is willing to work with organizations to make his organization more open and honest in it's presentation..."

Hooking up online - some quirky truth(s)

I've been following two (one queer and one gay) Massachusetts bloggers, both ultra candid about their experiences with online dating and sex. Their blogs are embedded in the Massmen.net site, a UCSF and ISIS joint project.

So now, let me share my favorite entries from these two spill-it-alls:






Priests, bathrooms, etc. Vlad Junior is a good read all around.

Holy Porn - Gay.com Priest hookup
Bathroom break
Bathroom break 2
My hookup and my dad - a real tear jerker
Uncle, Nephew, different times - need i say more







Oh Daniel. Daniel and his boyfriend have been trying out and open relationship.

Relationshit! The Victor and Daniel intro
Suck my dick in a bathroom
Relationsigns (cartoons!)
Polyamory here I come Victor and Daniel update
Webcam boy Part 1

More STI hookup site reviews as promised

A while back I wrote a post with some short reviews of dating sites for folks with viral STIs. As promised, I'm back with 3 more STI dating sites. In order from good to shouldn't exist, here are three more:

MatchSTD.com
I like this free site for many reasons. Like most hookup sites, MatchSTD.com has a clause asking married individuals to please not use the service. Yet, unlike most hookup sites, STI* and non-STI focused alike, MatchSTD has an exception for people "participating in an alternative-style relationships." It also has a downhome feeling to its general language, probably b/c it is run by just 2 guys (both of whom admit that they don't have any STDs themselves but have friends whose dating lives suffered severely). One thing I couldn't figure out though was how to select United States as my location...perhaps it's a default, but that wasn't clear to me.

Positivelove.com
This site looks really nice (nicer than MatchSTD), but the profile logic is a bit wierd. When you go to sign up you select what your are, as in your gender. Then there's a drop down menu for "I am with," which is actually the list of possible STIs. Like STDMatch (not to be confused with MatchSTD) it lists chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. Okay, folks, once again, these are CURABLE! They are not chronic-have-for-the-rest-of-your-life STIs. Get some antibiotics and THEN get a date. Jeez! Another thing that was a bit funky was the "My match" drop down menu. You can only select one answer and the choices include: American, Baptist, mediterranean, hispanic/latino, etc. "Are you American? I only date citizens." Whatever. Strange.

H-date.com ("time to start dating again..." is their tagline)
H-date is herpes focused, although there is some mention of HPV. Oddly, the terms and services section says, "You further represent and warrant that you are 13 years of age or older and that your use of the H-Date.com will not violate any applicable law." 13 years old on a dating site even if you're not breaking any laws? I went on to check out how profiles are built and saw that it includes the option to check boxes such as, "I can have sex with a good looking stranger anytime" or "I'll sleep with anyone who wants me." So while I applaud their acknowledgement that young people have sex, they should be doing something to ensure that young people meeting on their site are just having sex with other young people. At least setting up their search logic differently. Another large oversight is that a person of any age can say they 'prefer' a 13 yo. Oops.

*I tend to use "STD" because it's what CA state STD control still uses, the CDC uses, etc. There has been a move among health professionals and public health communities to use STI (sexually transmitted infection) for several reasons. 1. An infection is much less stigmatized than a disease. 2. Many STIs have no symptoms. People may be infected, but are not 'diseased.' I am constantly corrected when I use 'STD' and am trying to change. This * will help me remember.

Kink.com sponsors ASACP

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Hookingup and gaming meet in Naughty America

Nick Yee, in The Daedalus Project , wrote about his research into online relationship development in games (mostly in World of Warcraft) in a post called The Impossible Romance. What's really interesting here are the comments. I highly recommend spending some time reading folks' comparisons of meeting online versus meeting in real life.

Along the same lines, Naughty America has done what we've (or gamers looking for dates) have all been waiting for. Now here's a game (launching sometime this summer) where you design a character, rearrange and decorate your bedroom to get ready for some action, cruise around in different neighborhoods, etc. So it's kind of similar to other games like Second Life in that there's chat between avatars, but in Naughty America, each character has a real dating profile. So when you meet someone online, you can have virtual sex with them and move on from there. There are even sexual position choices.

Bonnie of Bonnie's Heroine Sheik blogged it too, specifically the reluctance of the game makers to admit it is in fact a sex game! I was surprised to see that like True.com, Naughty America will submit game players to background checks.

Is it True.com that you are a Married/Felon?

Check this NYtimes article if you can. Straight dating service, True.com thinks it's pretty special. Their politics don't really matter because people can use whatever damn site they want to hookup, however, they're pretty popular (rivalling match.com and yahoo personals), they're using sticky marketing tricks to make a lot of money, and they say that they contribute to online dating safety when they actually don't (because anyone can fake it).

My criticisms are brief. True brags that they "prosecute felons and marrieds." First of all, even if you are "separated" or have a pending divorce, forget about finding any True hotties. Second, what if you have negotiated with your husband/wife/registered spouse that it's okay to get in other people's beds, even the beds of other marrieds? Answer: find another dating pool (which will be cheaper than the 50 bucks a months True charges).

Okay, the felon part is really disturbing. I can understand some of the rationale behind corporate types wanting to cover their asses by booting folks from their site with sexual offenses, but what if you are a robber, a frauder, a runnaway? You need love too. But, as it stands, True doesn't care: "We can't guarentee that criminals won't get on our site, but we can quarentee that they'll be sorry they did."

I can see it now:
Felon: I was just trying to get a date, get some love and rejoin society. I've been in jail so long.
True/cop/law: You have endangered everyone on the internet. You must be punished.

Wouldn't it make more sense to work on protecting online daters from things they're more likely to be dealing with, like STDs, heartbreak and empty wallets?

Have Herpes or HPV? Need a hookup site?

So poz personals and hookup/dating sites for HIV positive folks have been around for a while. I wondered what dating services were out there for folks with other viral stds like herpes and HPV. Answer: Quite a few. Disclaimer: the following 4 sites have a straight focus.

STDmatch - This site appears to be world wide. Looks an smells like any other hookup/dating site, except for the required step of disclosing your particular STD, and then the STD you prefer your potential partner(s) to have. The home page defines it audience as folks with HSV, HPV or HIV. One thing I noticed was that chlamydia was listed as the lone bacterial offender...you know there's a treatment for that? Other than the overactive advertisments, this looks like a great site.

STDsingles - "It's fun, interactive, safe and anonymous -- until you decide to take it further." Hmmm...I think they mean it isn't anonymous anymore after you meet someone. I didn't get that at first. I was thinking, hmmm...good way to sabotage your hookup site. The registration process for this site is a bit irritating with lots of blinking arrows. All fields are required. They also call your STD your "condition."

Positivesingles - Positive singles is free or ~$20/mo for "Gold Membership," which actually seems necessary to really connect with anyone. This site has a great collection of "STD blogs" written by members. I found some heated debates about whether men or women suffer more from STDs (I think we know the answer to that / CDC is trying to prioritize correctly). Most resource links take you to commercial sites, but my favorite links was CharlotteH, a club in NC for folks with either herpes type or HPV.

STDFriends - Because of the funky pile of search terms at the bottom of the page, the seemingly bogus testimonials, and the low membersip numbers, this site seems a little hungry. However...I really like it. Unlike the others, you can select "Dating" or "Intimage Encounters." No where else have I seen casual encounter ads for STD positive folks. Most sites are geared towards partnership/marriage, as if to say, 'since you have an STD, don't be slut.' The other great feature (besides being free) is the drop down menus, including "what really turns me on." It's got some great choices, including: "a beard," "incense," "hard rock music," etc. Oh, and there's a page about telling your partner about your STD. This site has my top vote.

Coming soon, reviews of: MatchSTD.com, laffpersonals.com, positivelove.com, cupidsreviews.com, and H-Date.com .

Fake friends really helped me get laid

A recent New York Times article titled "Too Few Friends? A Web Site Lets You Buy Some (and They’re Hot)" takes a gander at some grand/gross ideas for managing your online networks, which in reality (I guess this is reality) might make me sad if they ended up popular.

Bright idea #1: fakeyourspace.com lets you buy MySpace, Facebook, Consumating and Friendster friends for $.99 a month. You can even see which "friends" have been bought the most times...and are therefore more guaranteed to help you get popular. You can even have a fake friend pretend that they are dating you by sending all sorts of messages/comments. Hmmm. The last time I logged into MySpace there were three friend requests from fake profiles trying to befriendme for free. Are these services really necessary? View a few of my fake friends here: Autumn and Red Hot'n'Sexy Tommy's chicks. Or check out this great story about kicking some fake-friend ass by blogger Micheal D. If you really think that having hot friendsters will make you popular, why not create profiles of fake people by yourself and make them virtually fawn over you?...at least it would be more creative.

Bright ideas #2: MobileAlibi.com lets you select a time to be called so that you can exit unsavory situations. You can choose from Chris or Samantha's voice. The problem is, when I tried to test it out, it wouldn't work. Popularitydialer.com offers a similar service. They also suggest that recieving calls in public or while on a date can actually improve your popularity because others overtly or inadvertantly listen in. In their own words: "Have you ever been in a situation where you wished your cell phone would ring? Maybe you wanted to look extra important or popular on that hot date. Or maybe you just needed an excuse to escape from an unpleasant meeting." If my new date answered their cell phone during our date and chatted with someone else because they tought it would make me like them more...I'd go home and have a beer by myself.

And lastly, the same people that brought you Fakeyourspace.com, now offer Breakyourspace.com. Now you can easily break up with any or all of your online friends and avoid the pain of doing it yourself. My favorite part of the site is a little FAQ: "Can I break up with my significant other?" Answer: "Yes you can. While although we do not recommend using our service as a means for breaking up any of your real life relationships, we do provide the service." The redeeming quality about Breakyourspace is that you can choose a themed messenger to deliver the bad news. My favorites by far are: "I want a divorce," featuring a broken wedding band, "I'm suing your ass," featuring a little wooden gavel and "I blame you," with some lovely finger pointing.

Screw with M4M-world, or else!

So I have a membership to M4M-World , a gay men's hookup/sex site. Yesterday I get this message from Steven Alexander, the director, and it totally creeped me out. I totally agree that adding extra insurances into your hookup site is a great idea, and whatever they come up with to verify some strand of legitimacy to their members I'm all for...I'm just surprised he's marketing the feature in this way. Is the possibility of turning into a bloody pulp going to make you want to go get it on with strangers? See below (complete with spelling errors):

"It is one of my worst nightmares. I have dreamt about it maybe a dozen times since I founded this dating site back in 1997. It always the same...I am sleeping. It is hot--mid summer...suddenly there is a loud knock at the front door. My dogs start barking and I look out the second story window from above down to the front portico below. There are two cops holding up a body of a man, slumped at the knees. I wonder "Is he a drunk? Do I know him? Is he a tresspasser?" I rush down the stairs through the center hall, to the front foyer and than through the wrought iron and glass French front door I now see a man badly beaten, barely breathing, dripping blood from his head. I am puzzled and horrified at once. And one of the cops starts screaming at me -- "Open up and tell us his name" "you are you responsible for this" "where does he live, we must tell his mother". I plead "but I don't know him I have never..." and I stop mid-sentence because the man's lips beging to move and he whispers "I just wanted to be with someone for a while, I really didn't do anything, why do they hate me?" I start crying. The man stops talking....stops breathing. I wake up.

Meeting men on line can be a lot a fun, it can be done quickly, but it has risks beyond those that come when you pick someone up in a club or bar. There are no witnesses and you don't always have the opportunity to meet in a public place. And I realize it can be a turn off to give the guy the 4th degree . A legit guy begins to wonder why are you so suspicious? Or he might be very smooth and talk you out of your fears. That's what happened in the sad tale of Michael J. Sandy when using a dating site (not m4m--Google his name in quotes to read his fate).

So listen...it's not just those awful dreams...I really care and worry that the men on m4m date safely. And that's why we developed member feedback currently beta marketed as the Player's Club. (There is a contest to find a new name....you have had email's on that). We created member feedback not as a popularity contest and not to learn who sleeps around and who does not get any... we put it into place so you know who has an honest ad and who has integrity in keeping their word and showing up. But in fact by giving and receiving feedback you help other members determine who's
-ad is accurate
-photos are current
-not a flake and show's up
-active on the site
-a safe bet for a hook-up!

--- After all even if a guy has an accurate ad and shows up, no one leaves positive feedback for men with evil intentions!

So leave feedback when you meet someone---even if it's just for a coffee---it tells others he is real, he is honest, he is safe. And he will return the favor! And watch your email for a very special invitation later this month. It will admit you to a new concept in online hook-ups...something we know you have not experienced before. Steven AlexanderSite Directorm4m-World.com"

So, in other words, use M4M-World and you won't get hurt. How's that for scare tactics?

Can you think of other ways to ensure that the folks you meet online are legit?